Disjointed Intelligence

I’ve spent nearly all of the past year working with people who are homeless, addicted, mentally ill, and mentally disabled. I had an especially rough night tonight. Death, drugs, alcohol, violence, and insanity all played part in what quite  possibly could be the hardest shift I’ve ever worked.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately, (that’s what I tend to do when my heart gets full) thinking about what I need to learn from where I am now. I know that there’s a lot.  There’s a lot to think about. Part of me feels a little bit like I’ve floated over this part of my life, and that’s a coping mechanism, it is. Another part of me knows that it’s taken strength, restraint, determination, compassion, understanding, a little bit of the floating by and a hell of a lot of patience to get through everything I’ve been through this year. 

Tonight I want to curl up into a ball and disappear. I have a hard time not dwelling on myself, on the effect this night has had on me. When I do focus on myself, I get lost in a sea of hopelessness. Odd.

So, tonight as I was driving home, the thought came into my mind, “Take a step outside of yourself.”  What a novel idea. The instant I allowed myself to take a step outside, I was relieved. Definitely weird. It took taking a step outside of myself to discover that I am not the victim here. I am not the one who died. I am not the one addicted. I am not the one who can find no other way out than violence. I am not the one who is lost inside her own mind.

I am here because this is where I want to be. I was not forced here by circumstance. I chose to be here because this is what I want to do.  This is where I want to be. I love these people- damaged as they may be, and I’m committed to helping them.

If you counted up the number of “I’s”  I used in the last two paragraphs, you would have no idea that I had just taken a step outside of myself. But it took that step outside to get beyond the mental distress and to find the perspective that I need to survive and  to move beyond that and thrive.

I’ve elected this my new theme song… for now.

When I discovered Ingrid Michaelson, I posted one of her songs here. It was love at first listen. Her music speaks to my soul, and after a listen or two her words seem (to me) to have come directly from my very core.

I turned 30 last month. I never decided whether it was a big deal or not, but 30 does seem significant. I’ve thought a lot about where I am and what I want out of life. I’m finally secure enough with myself to know and say that I am happy. I’ve discovered the importance of enjoying every moment possible. I’m not under the illusion that life is easy, but I’m well aware that life is LIFE! It’s what I’m here for. I have the amazing ability to create- and I can create anything I imagine if I work hard enough and smart enough.

So, I’m working and I’m learning. I’m living. When I allow myself a moment to think sometimes my thoughts drift to the love I’m still searching for or the family just waiting to be. It’s during those moments that this song is so well fitted to/for me.

I have taken a wrong turn
When will I learn. When will I learn?
Should I show them all my scars?
Cherry red bleeding burn

Like an angry apple tree
I throw my apples if you get too close to me

But if I look to my right, will I see the one I fight for
If I look to my right
Or if I turn to my left, will I see that I have kept my heart
Locked up, locked up so tight

Love, love, love is everywhere
But not a drop for me to drink
Tie me up and bind my feet
Drop me in and watch me sink

Like an angry apple tree
I throw my apples if you get too close to me

But if I look to my right, will I see the one I fight for
If I look to my right
Or if I turn to my left, will I see that I have kept my heart
Locked up, locked up

If I was 17 I could find it in-between
The cushions of somebody’s couch
I could find it. I could find it
If I was 17 I could find it in a dream
A dime a dozen kind of love
I could find it. I could find it
But I’m not 17 and I lost it in-between
The birthday cakes and fast mistakes
That roll by
Ba da ba ba da ba ba, ba da ba ba da ba da dum

But if I look to my right, will I see the one I fight for
If I look to my right
Or if I turn to my left, will I see that I have kept my heart
Locked up, locked up

Surprisingly, listening to this song always leaves me with hope because I can’t help but wonder, “If I look to my right will I see the one I fight for?”

I don’t usually watch TV and I never watch this show, but someone emailed me this clip. This man definitely has talent:

When I got to work today people were in a bad mood. I started telling the dumbest jokes I could think of, and I have to admit, the others had some pretty dumb ones too. BUT it put a smile on all of our faces. Here’s what I got:

Q. Why do chicken coops have two doors?
A. Because if they had four they’d be a sedan.

Q. Where does dragon milk come from?
A. Short cows.

Q.Where does a general keep his armies?
A. Up his sleevies.

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel that looks like it’s attached to his belt. The bar tender says, “What’s up with the steering wheel?”
The pirate replies, “Arrghh… it’s drivin’ me nuts!”

A man walked into his doctors office wearing only plastic wrap. The doctor took one look at him and said, “I can clearly see your nuts.”

George Washington, George W. Bush, and Bill Clinton are on a ship when it starts to sink.
George Washington yells, “Save the women!”
George W. Bush yells, “Screw the women!”
Bill Clinton says, “Do we have time?”

Got any more? I sure could use them on days like this.