I’ve been thinking a lot lately, (that’s what I tend to do when my heart gets full) thinking about what I need to learn from where I am now. I know that there’s a lot.  There’s a lot to think about. Part of me feels a little bit like I’ve floated over this part of my life, and that’s a coping mechanism, it is. Another part of me knows that it’s taken strength, restraint, determination, compassion, understanding, a little bit of the floating by and a hell of a lot of patience to get through everything I’ve been through this year. 

Tonight I want to curl up into a ball and disappear. I have a hard time not dwelling on myself, on the effect this night has had on me. When I do focus on myself, I get lost in a sea of hopelessness. Odd.

So, tonight as I was driving home, the thought came into my mind, “Take a step outside of yourself.”  What a novel idea. The instant I allowed myself to take a step outside, I was relieved. Definitely weird. It took taking a step outside of myself to discover that I am not the victim here. I am not the one who died. I am not the one addicted. I am not the one who can find no other way out than violence. I am not the one who is lost inside her own mind.

I am here because this is where I want to be. I was not forced here by circumstance. I chose to be here because this is what I want to do.  This is where I want to be. I love these people- damaged as they may be, and I’m committed to helping them.

If you counted up the number of “I’s”  I used in the last two paragraphs, you would have no idea that I had just taken a step outside of myself. But it took that step outside to get beyond the mental distress and to find the perspective that I need to survive and  to move beyond that and thrive.

I’ve elected this my new theme song… for now.

When I discovered Ingrid Michaelson, I posted one of her songs here. It was love at first listen. Her music speaks to my soul, and after a listen or two her words seem (to me) to have come directly from my very core.

I turned 30 last month. I never decided whether it was a big deal or not, but 30 does seem significant. I’ve thought a lot about where I am and what I want out of life. I’m finally secure enough with myself to know and say that I am happy. I’ve discovered the importance of enjoying every moment possible. I’m not under the illusion that life is easy, but I’m well aware that life is LIFE! It’s what I’m here for. I have the amazing ability to create- and I can create anything I imagine if I work hard enough and smart enough.

So, I’m working and I’m learning. I’m living. When I allow myself a moment to think sometimes my thoughts drift to the love I’m still searching for or the family just waiting to be. It’s during those moments that this song is so well fitted to/for me.

I have taken a wrong turn
When will I learn. When will I learn?
Should I show them all my scars?
Cherry red bleeding burn

Like an angry apple tree
I throw my apples if you get too close to me

But if I look to my right, will I see the one I fight for
If I look to my right
Or if I turn to my left, will I see that I have kept my heart
Locked up, locked up so tight

Love, love, love is everywhere
But not a drop for me to drink
Tie me up and bind my feet
Drop me in and watch me sink

Like an angry apple tree
I throw my apples if you get too close to me

But if I look to my right, will I see the one I fight for
If I look to my right
Or if I turn to my left, will I see that I have kept my heart
Locked up, locked up

If I was 17 I could find it in-between
The cushions of somebody’s couch
I could find it. I could find it
If I was 17 I could find it in a dream
A dime a dozen kind of love
I could find it. I could find it
But I’m not 17 and I lost it in-between
The birthday cakes and fast mistakes
That roll by
Ba da ba ba da ba ba, ba da ba ba da ba da dum

But if I look to my right, will I see the one I fight for
If I look to my right
Or if I turn to my left, will I see that I have kept my heart
Locked up, locked up

Surprisingly, listening to this song always leaves me with hope because I can’t help but wonder, “If I look to my right will I see the one I fight for?”

Q. Why do chicken coops have two doors?
A. Because if they had four they’d be a sedan.

Q. Where does dragon milk come from?
A. Short cows.

Q.Where does a general keep his armies?
A. Up his sleevies.

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel that looks like it’s attached to his belt. The bar tender says, “What’s up with the steering wheel?”
The pirate replies, “Arrghh… it’s drivin’ me nuts!”

A man walked into his doctors office wearing only plastic wrap. The doctor took one look at him and said, “I can clearly see your nuts.”

George Washington, George W. Bush, and Bill Clinton are on a ship when it starts to sink.
George Washington yells, “Save the women!”
George W. Bush yells, “Screw the women!”
Bill Clinton says, “Do we have time?”

Got any more? I sure could use them on days like this.

This link is not only one of family, but of all those who have gone before. One of my favorite hobbies is collecting quotes. When I hear or read something that strikes me to the core, I write it down. I’ve gathered them together in one document that grows larger and larger each week.

I’ve discovered strength, I’ve discovered tenderness, I’ve discovered perseverance, I’ve discovered fond memories, I’ve discovered trials, I’ve discovered truth, and throughout it all I’ve discovered myself.

I’ve compiled this inspiration from the past because it means something to me. Many people from many generations shared this knowledge. They all contributed to the whole of what we are today and what I want to be. (Each person quoted is referenced by number)

Inspiration from the past:

Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.¹

Live life fully while you’re here. Experience everything. Take care of yourself and your friends. Have fun, be crazy, be weird. Go out and screw up! You’re going to anyway, so you might as well enjoy the process. Take the opportunity to learn from your mistakes: find the cause of your problem and eliminate it. Don’t try to be perfect; just be an excellent example of being human.²  

Every man has his own destiny: The only imperative is to follow it, to accept it, no matter where it leads him.³ Don’t worry about what you will do next. If you take one step with all the knowledge you have, there is usually just enough light shining to show you the next step.⁴

An adventure is only an inconvenience rightly considered. An inconvenience is an adventure wrongly considered.⁵ He who never ventures beyond actuality will never win the prize of truth.⁶ Sometimes you get shown the light in the strangest of places if you look at it right.⁷

Give yourself the adventure of doing what you can do, with what you have, even if you have nothing but the adventure of trying. How much better than standing in a corner with your back to the wall.⁸ Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one’s definition of your life; define yourself.⁹   

Be who you are and say what you feel. Those who mind don’t matter, and those that matter don’t mind.¹⁰

Liberation is an ever shifting horizon, a total ideology that can never fulfill its promises.¹¹ The force of mind is only as great as its expression; its depth only as deep as its power to expand and lose itself.¹² A thought is often original, though you have uttered it a hundred times.¹³

The true lover of knowledge naturally strives for truth, and is not content with common opinion, but soars with undimmed and unwearied passion till he grasps the essential nature of things.¹⁴ Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind.¹⁵

Every spirit builds itself a house; and beyond its house a world; and beyond its world, a heaven. Know then, that the world exists for you. For you is the phenomenon perfect. What we are, that only can we see.¹⁶ When you look at yourself from a universal standpoint, something inside always reminds or informs you that there are bigger and better things to worry about.¹⁷

It is from numberless diverse acts of courage and belief that human history is shaped.¹⁸ The future is made of the same stuff as the present.¹⁹ The greatest use of life is to spend it for something that will outlast it.²⁰ There can be no progress if people have no faith in tomorrow.²¹ 

In the end, you’re measured not by how much you undertake but by what you finally accomplish.²² Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today. Let us begin.²³

1-Jeremy Schwartz, 2- Anthony Robbins, 3- Henry Miller, 4- Mardy Murie, 5-G.K. Chesterton, 6- Friedrich von Schiller, 7- Grateful Dead, 8- Mardy Murie, 9- Harvey Fierstein, 10- Dr. Seuss, 11 – Arianna Huffington, 12- G. W. F. Hegel, 13- Oliver Wendell Holmes, 14- Plato, 15- Ralph Waldo Emerson, 16- Ralph Waldo Emerson, 17- Albert Einstein, 18- Simone Weil, 19- Robert Kennedy, 20- William James, 21- John Fitzgerald Kennedy, 22- Donald Trump, 23- Mother Theresa